


THE HETALIA DRARRY AND OTHER SHIT

by Hogwarts_Avengers, insanityfanficsd



Series: insanity [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hetalia: Axis Powers, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: F/F, M/M, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-31 21:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17857361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hogwarts_Avengers/pseuds/Hogwarts_Avengers, https://archiveofourown.org/users/insanityfanficsd/pseuds/insanityfanficsd
Summary: craziness





	THE HETALIA DRARRY AND OTHER SHIT

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hogwarts_Avengers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hogwarts_Avengers/gifts).



> we're sorry for this

A portal magically opened in the Malfoy manor -- and out stepped the beautiful and glorious France. Lucius frantically scrambles towards the man, but he accidentally cascades into the nothingness.   
“Father?” Draco yelped, his blue eyes frantic, yet relieved at the violent disappearance of Lucius Malfoy. Harry glanced down the hall, concerned at his boyfriend’s tone of voice.

“Bonjour, mon cheri.” Came a soft purr from France’s throat as he gazed hungrily at the two of them.  
“S’up, Lucius.” Harry greeted, approaching.  
“Excuse me, but who are you?” Draco stuttered, backing away.  
“Ah, apologies for not introducing myself earlier, mon cher. J’mappelle France, but you can call me anything you like.” The blond grinned.  
Harry raised an eyebrow. “Are you some kind of father replacement for Draco? You do look like Lucius, and a Malfoy of sorts, at that.”   
Suddenly a blast of vibrant purple light erupted from the portal, and two men were flung out. But they didn’t seem to notice -- they were busying themselves with making out.  
“Oh, hot. Can I join in?” France raised an eyebrow.  
Cecil glanced up, confused as fuck. “The fuck am I mate?”  
“According to science, we are in the unknown… with odd looking people. Whom are you, MORTALS?” Carlos asked, depressed.   
“We’re somewhere beautifully decorated, if I might add.” France purred.  
“Oh, you’d say that, bloody wanker.” A voice erupted from the depths of hell (Hetalia), and England stepped out elegantly, glaring in his husband’s general direction.  
“Ah! Mon amour! You came!” France yelped, flinging into England’s arms.  
Carlos snorted. “We’re definitely not in Night Vale, love.” He said, addressing his fucker.  
“Oh shit, we forgot the condoms, Carbs.” Cecil squeaked.

Draco blinked, horrified, at the scene unravelling before him. Harry stood rigid beside him, as confused as he was.  
“HIIIIIIIIII BITCHESSSSSSS!” Came a shriek from the tunnel. Loki erupted (the pansexual bean from Marvel), and glared at the puny hi bmortals.  
“CHOW!!!” Italy yelped, stumbling out right behind Loki. He toppled over the god, and squeaked with fright.  
“Get off of me, asshole. Fucker. Idiot.” Loki snapped, shrugging the small brunette off of him.  
And then he turned to look at his face.  
They stared longingly for a long moment. He lurched forward in shock at Italy’s innocent beauty, while the smaller country simply stared with awe.  
Loki whispered, “I think I love you, mortal.”  
Italy’s cheeks flushed. “I might feel the same, bello.” He whispered.  
“Did you just gender me?” Loki rasped, stepping forward, caressing his cheek.  
“Yeah,” Italy murmured, absentmindedly biting his lip, leaning close.

“WE’RE STILL HERE, YOU KNOW.” Carlos screeched, along with Cecil.  
Harry glared. “You came through the portal making out and talking about condoms. Don’t bitch about this romance, it's just getting good.”  
France smirked. “So… erotic.” He purred, only to be silenced when England gently slapped his shoulder in annoyance.  
Loki glanced at them and shape shifted into the most beautiful man in existence -- France himself.  
For once France was drawn out of his flirty state and exclaimed, “What the fuck?”  
Loki smirked. “I am the god of mischief. I shapeshift. Deal with it.”  
Italy squeaked from behind him, wrapping an arm around Loki’s thin waist. He purred sweet nothings in his ear.  
Harry raised an eyebrow. “Damn.”  
England looked confused and a little terrified.  
Draco and Harry pull away to make out.  
Cecil and Carlos retreat upstairs where maybe condoms can be found.  
France pulled England away with a purr, whispering, “Let’s go fuck, mon cher.”  
This left Loki and Italy completely ALONE. Just as they were about to make out, Ginny and Luna enter dramatically with lesbian flags. And energy. And gayness, just gayness, of all types.   
“The fuck are you?” Loki barkled.   
Italy, who was still groping Loki’s waist and thighs, whispered, “You’re still so hot when you yell, tesoro.”   
Ginny announced herself as a gay bean who came here for sex. Apparently the Malfoy mansion is a hot place for gayness.   
“We’re married! So we must fuck. Goodbye.” Luna shouted eagerly, and the two of them left, with Ginny yelling as they went, “Nice meeting you bitches.”

Two ghosts entered and began fucking. It was Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, who were dead but still in love.   
Loki groanedddddddddddd. “Let’s go get a room, lovely.”  
Italy’s amber eyes glowed seductively, nodding. Than he paused, and murmured shyly, “Shouldn’t we, uh, get to know each other first?”   
“Oh.” Loki blushed, as if embarrassed. “Y-Yeah.” The two of them entered a small room, the only one they could find that was empty -- a closest, where their chests were pressed together. Italy smiled a little anxiously.  
“So, where are you from?” Italy whispered.  
“Asgard,” Loki replied, then asked the same question.  
“I… I don’t really know. I’m a country, as weird as that is; the personification of one. I never had parents… except for Hungary and Austria, who raised me, but I’m not related to them…” Italy replied.  
Loki lowered his gaze. “My adopted father killed my real parents.”  
Italy’s golden eyes shimmered. “I’m sorry, Loki.”   
Loki smiled weakly. “It’s okay. I have a brother, Thor, so I’m not completely alone.”  
Italy smiled. “Me too! Romano, but I don’t get along with him usually. But I have Germany, my weird friend who’s gay…. And liked me at some point, but we got over that soon after, aha…”  
“Friends who like you? Awkward.” Loki smirked, leaning closer slightly.  
Italy leaned back in return, suddenly nervous. “Yeah...? Um, how can you shapeshift?”  
Loki paused, his breath washing Italy’s mouth briefly. “My adopted mother gave me some of her powers so I would be a god of Asgard, and not the monster I once was.”  
Italy’s eyes widened. “Your world is so different from mine.”  
Loki nodded, almost regretfully. “But I’ve never met anyone like you before, Italy.”  
“Umm, call me Feliciano. Or just Feli.” Italy smiled gently, hesitantly curling an arm around Loki’s neck. He leaned close, sighing against Loki’s lips, before quietly kissing him.  
At first Loki seemed frozen; felt frozen. Truth be told, he had never been with someone before. Now that he wasn’t driven by complete lust (as from before downstairs), he felt nervous, scared even.   
The comforting pull of Italy’s lips was too tempting, however. He shivered slightly when Italy groaned softly into his mouth, and in response, pushed the smaller man against the wall slightly. He briefly brushed his tongue against Italy’s — an invitation, really, and the nation gently slid his arms down Loki’s waist.   
Eventually Italy pulled back a little, blinking feverishly against the darkness of the closet.  
“You taste… amazing.” Loki purred quietly, leaning his head down a bit, nuzzling the crook of Italy’s neck. The pale skin there was soft, delicate… delicious. He smirked gently, biting down slightly on the soft spot beside Italy’s collarbone.  
Feliciano groaned again, leaning back slightly, exposing more of his light skin. Loki moved upward a bit, settling on a spot on the side of Italy’s throat, where he drew his tongue against teasingly.   
“A-Alright, stop,” Italy whispered, and hesitantly Loki drew back. Italy drew in a breath, raising a hand to his own neck, feeling the warm, moist skin where Loki had kissed. “M-Might I return the favour?” He asked after a moment, blushing. 

Loki blinked, his soft green eyes never leaving Italy’s small, attractive figure, and gave a small nod.  
Feliciano moved forth, drawing back the collar of Loki’s clothing and gently sucking on his pale skin. He smiled, amused, at Loki’s soft moan, and continued to trail kisses along his collarbone, and to the very top of his chest. He settled on a spot on his neck, chuckling nervously at Loki’s constant shivering against him. Just than the door to the small closet and their stood Cecil looking quite shocked at what he had found.   
“I don’t mean to, um, entroud but I was just looking for something and well it’s obviously not here so I will let you two continue.” and with that he left the closet.   
Loki farted and then exploded. He was dead. Italy was farting in sorrow. He was heartbroken and traumatized by the sudden death of his beloved.   
Then suddenly Loki erupted back to life in a puff of black shit.   
“Ti amo, your alive!” Italy shrieked in excitement. “I have never been happier in my life.”  
Loki pooped rainbows in pure joy “Of course i'm alive, nothing can kill me. Do you know how many times that i `died`” loki said with a smile. “Way too many times lol” loki laughed.   
Italy hugged Loki so tight 

THE END?

**Author's Note:**

> lol not sorry


End file.
